I have not taken the time to write in the last month or so. I have been busy living life. Oh what an adventure I am having. Things at work are amazing. I am showing up as a powerful leader who can affect change. I am doing it without falling into my former work-a-holic tendencies. I am managing my life with some success. It is not all easy though.
I have been asking myself a lot lately about what I want. When I think about my perfect life, where am I? What does it look like? The truth is, I have no idea! Haha. I am 29 years old and I have no expectation for the future. Isn't that fantastic? I mean really! I can do whatever I want. I will go where I am supposed to be. I know I will be hurt along the way and I will suffer, and learn, and fail from time to time. At least I am going somewhere. I am working to separate my life from Andrew's. This is no simple task. We have been woven together so deeply for so long...
I opened my own bank account recently. My direct deposit is switched over. My money is now my money. Seems like a simple logical step, but it was a really hard leap to take. I will have to give money to Andrew for him to pay our bills. He will likely not be able to afford his share. I will loyally step up and take up the slack. The magic of it all is that at the end of the month the left over money is mine.
I have set up my own savings account. I plan to use it to move apart when Andrew finishes school. You see, I don't want to leave him flat on his ass. I could... but I have no reason to. So I will stick by my friend and see it through until he is prepared to support himself. This is important because I want him to be able to help out with the kids. So he will go to school and finish this time. He will be a surgical tech and get a career started. We will separate fully, and move on from our joint life.
In the meantime I am exploring what my life can look like. I am a single 29 year old woman. I am funny, and kool in my own way! I want to have fun. I am not a party girl... even when I was partying all the time, I was never really a party girl. When I say fun I mean I want to camp. I want to hike. I want to go to the movies and museums. I want to see how the world works first hand and share that with my children.
My children. I want my kids to grow up and be strong intelligent individuals. I am striving to set the foundation for a lifetime of success. I want my girls to look back on this time and not think about Andrew and I splitting. I want them to remember how fun it was to live a life of adventure and wonder. I want them to see that THIS was the time of their lives when the traditions of tomorrow were created. I want them to see you can be happy, you deserve to be happy, and as long as you chose it, you will be happy.
That's the answer I guess. The "What I want". I work bit by bit, day by day. I am moving towards this place. I feel good about it. I am still afraid. I am afraid that I will get to this place and be alone. I know I have some very good friends. I have a couple in particular that mean the world to me. I even have some new growing friendships that I am hoping will last a lifetime. That's not what I mean though. As humans we have a deep inner need to connect to another person. To couple off. I am not just referring to sex. While sex is an important piece, it is not the whole puzzle. I am talking about finding someone I can sit silently with hand in hand, full of satisfaction and contentment. I want the security of knowing I am loved, admired, and craved. I don't know that I believe in marriage. I don't think I ever really did. It is just a sheet of paper and a set of rules. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they want me to stay.
I do not know if I will find that person. There is a guy. A guy I am very fond of. I try with everything I have got not to think about if he will stick around. In the end it doesn't matter. If things are meant to last they will. If not... well then they wont. I will be okay either way. I am really enjoying my time now though. I have a flutter of excitement when I think about the next encounter. I blush when I think about the last encounter. Some moments while we are together I lose my breath for an instant, my heart skips a beat and I feel warm all the way to my soul. Then I come back and realize we are not even in a relationship. Haha. I look in his face and I wonder if I have ever made him feel the same. I wonder if he is going to push me away. I wonder.
I don't need things to change or develop or grow right now. I just want to enjoy them for what they are. Good times with a growing friend. I am afraid to lose what I have though, and it causes me conflict. I think about ending things first. I want to have the power of knowing I was strong enough to let go. To not fall into a lopsided misguided flurry of emotion. I want to turn away and not look back. This would only be me hiding from the fear. I am happy in my time with him, why run from it? Why hide? does it matter if it grows into something more? No! Life will work out either way. So I will not run away. I will stand and bask in the warmth I am so fortunate to feel. I just hope he feels a bit of warmth too.
Tomorrow will come and life will go on. I wonder where I will end up. I wonder what I will gain from the encounters I engage in today. I look forward to seeing how this story turns out.
(This story takes place August 20120
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