I love movies. I love them in a deeply personal way. I had planned to make them my career. It did not work out, but true love fades slowly if at all.
I always thought I would do something in the movie industry. I wanted to be a writer, or perhaps a director... ideally I would do both. My dad used to laugh in my face when I would tell him my dream. Rightfully so as it would turn out. When the time came to graduate high school. I wanted to move back to Cali and go to film school. I was so afraid of failing that I decided to go to Eastern Oregon University instead. I started out with a Writing major and a Theater minor. I figured there was a higher chance of finding success in Theater.
I got off to a bad start right away. I took a writing class and failed because I was too skilled of a writer. My teacher kept failing me on first drafts. He accused me of editing in my head as I went along. When I confronted him in class the shit really hit the fan. I called him on his bullshit. I challenged him to give me a random subject to write about during the class period. I sat in the first row and free handed an essay in less than half of the class time. I gave it to him with a pleased and cocky grin on my face. He read it and threw it in the trash. He insisted I must be editing as I went along. He stated that he has published 3 books and knows first hand that nobody could be that good of a writer naturally. I ended up dropping the course. In a small school like EOU there are not too many options as far as classes are concerned. I did what a reasonable person would do... I changed majors. I became a Theater major with a Business minor. I figured I needed to know how to pedal my own bullshit haha.
Life happened and I never graduated. I had taken every film class available and started on what turned out to be a fairly epic movie collection. I currently own 3000 films. I ended up working for Blockbuster. I spent my days talking to people about my favorite movies. Reading the backs of boxes, watching everything I could make time for. It was fantastic in its own way.
When things at Blockbuster went south my love of movies took a turn as well. Guilty by association I guess. I mean when I was a teenager I went to see everything that came out in theaters. I used to wait impatiently for Friday... new release day! To say I was addicted... does not cut the mustard.
So when I was growing up movies were always a social thing to do. I never went alone. We whispered about the movies, we talked about them the next day... have you seen Leon the professional? Its a fantastic movie and if you haven't seen it go see it NOW! haha well in that movie there is a scene where this man is in the theaters he is watching Singing in the rain. He is there alone. Something he finds wonderful happens. He looks around as he laughs to make eye contact with someone... he searches to see that someone else enjoyed this moment as he did... but he is alone. He leans forward and finishes the movie. The smile never leaves his face.
For me this is one of the saddest moments in cinematic history... to experience something splendid and not have anyone to share it with... oh the torture. So at some point in my life I developed this stand of not wanting to go to theaters alone. I watch movies alone at home all the time... but the local multiplex seems to be this beast I can not tame by myself. I honestly have gone in and paid for movies alone... and I leave before the previews finish. I feel creepy... like a pedophile in a park... guilt and shame over take me... I creep myself out and get anxious and leave. sad sad sad.
There have been many movies I wanted to see and couldn't find anyone to go with me. I usually just pass.
Not tonight folks. As part of this new challenge I am making against life... I am going to go to a movie alone. This is going to be a before and after post. This part being the before part (in case any of you were confused) I had plans this evening to go see a movie. Those plans got cancelled and I am left with nothing to do but sleep. Fuck that! I am going to seize this moment to push myself closer to Independence. In 20 minutes I will watch the Dark Knight Rises. When it is over I will come back here and let you guys know if I made it all the way through... talk about an underdog story hahahah...
Well folks... wish me luck!
Okay I have awesome news... I totally sat through an entire movie in theaters all by myself! as silly as it sounds, I was really anxious when I went in and sat down. I didn't feel creepy like I had in past attempts. I felt more... like I was betraying a dear friend. It almost felt like I was breaking a promise. Maybe I had made a promise to myself at some point... I don't know. But I can tell you that what I achieved was pretty epic. At least in the scope of my own life.
I have been fighting for a sense of self since Andrew and I first sat down and talked about divorce... or really since I broke away from the double wide clan... I dunno... It is human nature to always be searching for something. A hope, a dream, yourself... hahahhaa. I have been working on separating myself from my past, from my anxiety, and from my former habits. When I couldn't hang out with my friend tonight I out right said I would not go to a movie alone. I had made that a piece of the story of who I am. Fuck that! I don't need other people to be by my side to enjoy myself.
Half way through the movie I almost got up. The anxiety of realizing I was going to stay, how easy it was to stay, sank in. I got scared. I was going to let go of this big piece of baggage. I held my breath and grabbed my purse and prepared to stand. Then the plot turned and I got distracted. I suspended my disbelief and I allowed myself to get sucked into the adventure. The movie ended. I got up as I always do, turned back on my phone and walked to my car. When I arrived at Dark Phantoms side my heart fluttered very fast and I lost my breath for a split second. I did it. I did some random meaningless thing I set out to do, and it felt amazing.
I will go to a movie alone again. I will go to movies with friends again. I am not going to let the availability of my friends stop me from accomplishing the things I want to do. I wont stay home and throw a pity party because people couldn't come out to play. This is just another itsy bitsy piece of getting to a place where I am no longer my own worst enemy.
Thanks for going on this adventure with me!
(this story takes place 2012)
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