I promise...

Definition of PROMISE

1a: a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified b: a legally binding declaration that gives the person to whom it is made a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of a specified act

2: reason to expect something <little promise of relief>; especially: ground for expectation of success, improvement, or excellence <shows considerable promise>

I am 29 years old. I have lived a lifetime of promises. I have made many, received many and broken few. For years I have held to the idea of a promise being supremely important. In a world with little honor, integrity and a blurred idea of respect... a promise is usually a word just thrown about. This is a shame.

There was a time when you could buy a house with a handshake and by giving your word. "my word is my bond". This is honor. This was a promise. A powerful yet simple declaration of intent, upheld by an idea. I am a business person and so I understand the value of collateral. Yet sometimes I yearn for a world where a promise means something again.

I have always tried to hold myself to a high standard, and a piece of that for me has always been to carry through with my promises. I do not say I promise unless I mean it. If I make a promise I will fight to the end to uphold my "word". I don't do it because society says I should. I don't do it out of some sad save the world mentality. I do it because it is the right things to do. I want my words to hold value. The way to make that happen is to put my actions where my words are haha. 

I would like to challenge you to stand for honor and integrity. You can not change the choices others make. We can all change the choices we make for ourselves. I chose to continue to hold a promise as gold. If I tell you I promise something... you will always know I have made the ultimate commitment to you and will fight, until there is nothing left to fight for, in order to fill that promise.

This is a promise.

In the mood to share.

This story will not be new to many of you. I originally wrote it as a note on facebook. It is an accounting of one of the most interesting and intense connections I have had in my life... no no it is THE most interesting and intense (so far). I am feeling nostalgic and felt like sharing.

Once upon a time there was a girl. She grew up in a bleak darkness. An empty hollow world full of chaos and anger. When she was 15 she met a boy. He too was lost and confused. They met in school. The day they met was just another day. Nothing special. Friend of a friend, nice to meet you. Then they started to talk one on one. Short calls, stopping by and so forth. The calls grew longer. More frequent. Deeper. Then came the night that changed everything. The girl had some issues at home and an opportunity to sleep over at the boys house came up... so she did. They talked all night until the sun came up. Suddenly the world was different.

They were consumed with the idea of each other. They talked constantly. Joined at the hip. Best friends. They went from being friend of a friend... to being neck deep in the most energetic exciting friendship in their young lives. The intensity was palpable to everyone around them. But you see this was not a romantic relationship. The boy loved the girl and the girl loved the boy. But he was gay. Their love was deep and affectionate and strictly platonic. What came out of their great affair was magic.

During this friendship jealousy rose and fell in others around them. He was like the sun, people were drawn to him and the light he radiated. She had her moments as well, waxing and waning like the moon. The two of them danced a delicate dance of entertainment, insight, vision, and healing. Colored red and black by those who witnessed the event.

There were great grand adventures, some of which will always be held dear.

Alas, rarely does anything this wonderful last forever. Life happened and the girl was swallowed whole by the darkness of her life. She had to escape to a far away land. The boy did not disappear from her life. They spoke and wrote constantly. Time marches on. When the girl came back to visit, she discovered that life had swallowed the boy whole. Not into darkness... but he was not the same. Or maybe he was and she was not. Whatever the case... over the next year they drifted farther apart. One day back in her far away land the girl realized the boy was gone. He was not coming back. A twinge of regret washed over her and then nothing. Things had run their course and they had both grown from it.

These two dark lost souls learned from each other. They gained confidence from each other. They discovered in the darkness who they were as people. Nobody wants to suffer alone. Everyone suffers uniquely. Once in awhile two people who are both suffering find each other. They help each other. Together they find their way. That is what happened to the girl and the boy. Together they broke free from the darkness and became better people.

This journey was long and hard. People don't change over night. Other people came and went. Spinning in and out of their lives. Time and distance eventually ended this magical affair of the mind and soul.

Even today the girl looks back and remembers the quiet intensity that freed her from the darkness. She wonders where the boy is. She wonders if he is still lost. She wonders if there will ever be another story in her life and beautiful as this story of the girl and the boy.


Well there you have it folks... hot off the presses so to speak. Out of respect for the people from the story... if you do know who the boy is keep it to yourself... if you were one of the people who spun in and out of the story and for one reason or another saw things differently... I don't care!!! This is my story... this is how I felt about the happenings...


That is the story as I had posted it. I have not closed the book on this one. I still feel like the boy is a lose end flapping in the wind for me. I know that if I really set my mind to it, I could find him. I am certain I just need to talk to him and ensure all is well... That he did in fact survive. Unfortunately my story here is a deeper more jagged mess than I would like to admit. Someday I will allow myself to heal from this. Someday.

I am no creeper... thanks for not noticing!

I love movies. I love them in a deeply personal way. I had planned to make them my career. It did not work out, but true love fades slowly if at all.

I always thought I would do something in the movie industry. I wanted to be a writer, or perhaps a director... ideally I would do both. My dad used to laugh in my face when I would tell him my dream. Rightfully so as it would turn out. When the time came to graduate high school. I wanted to move back to Cali and go to film school. I was so afraid of failing that I decided to go to Eastern Oregon University instead. I started out with a Writing major and a Theater minor. I figured there was a higher chance of finding success in Theater.

I got off to a bad start right away. I took a writing class and failed because I was too skilled of a writer. My teacher kept failing me on first drafts. He accused me of editing in my head as I went along. When I confronted him in class the shit really hit the fan. I called him on his bullshit. I challenged him to give me a random subject to write about during the class period. I sat in the first row and free handed an essay in less than half of the class time. I gave it to him with a pleased and cocky grin on my face. He read it and threw it in the trash. He insisted I must be editing as I went along. He stated that he has published 3 books and knows first hand that nobody could be that good of a writer naturally. I ended up dropping the course. In a small school like EOU there are not too many options as far as classes are concerned. I did what a reasonable person would do... I changed majors. I became a Theater major with a Business minor. I figured I needed to know how to pedal my own bullshit haha.

Life happened and I never graduated. I had taken every film class available and started on what turned out to be a fairly epic movie collection. I currently own 3000 films. I ended up working for Blockbuster. I spent my days talking to people about my favorite movies. Reading the backs of boxes, watching everything I could make time for. It was fantastic in its own way.

When things at Blockbuster went south my love of movies took a turn as well. Guilty by association I guess. I mean when I was a teenager I went to see everything that came out in theaters. I used to wait impatiently for Friday... new release day! To say I was addicted... does not cut the mustard.

So when I was growing up movies were always a social thing to do. I never went alone. We whispered about the movies, we talked about them the next day... have you seen Leon the professional? Its a fantastic movie and if you haven't seen it go see it NOW! haha well in that movie there is a scene where this man is in the theaters he is watching Singing in the rain. He is there alone. Something he finds wonderful happens. He looks around as he laughs to make eye contact with someone... he searches to see that someone else enjoyed this moment as he did... but he is alone. He leans forward and finishes the movie. The smile never leaves his face.

For me this is one of the saddest moments in cinematic history... to experience something splendid and not have anyone to share it with... oh the torture. So at some point in my life I developed this stand of not wanting to go to theaters alone. I watch movies alone at home all the time... but the local multiplex seems to be this beast I can not tame by myself. I honestly have gone in and paid for movies alone... and I leave before the previews finish. I feel creepy... like a pedophile in a park... guilt and shame over take me... I creep myself out and get anxious and leave. sad sad sad.

There have been many movies I wanted to see and couldn't find anyone to go with me. I usually just pass.

Not tonight folks. As part of this new challenge I am making against life... I am going to go to a movie alone. This is going to be a before and after post. This part being the before part (in case any of you were confused) I had plans this evening to go see a movie. Those plans got cancelled and I am left with nothing to do but sleep. Fuck that! I am going to seize this moment to push myself closer to Independence. In 20 minutes I will watch the Dark Knight Rises. When it is over I will come back here and let you guys know if I made it all the way through... talk about an underdog story hahahah...

Well folks... wish me luck!

Okay I have awesome news... I totally sat through an entire movie in theaters all by myself! as silly as it sounds, I was really anxious when I went in and sat down. I didn't feel creepy like I had in past attempts. I felt more... like I was betraying a dear friend. It almost felt like I was breaking a promise. Maybe I had made a promise to myself at some point... I don't know. But I can tell you that what I achieved was pretty epic. At least in the scope of my own life.

I have been fighting for a sense of self since Andrew and I first sat down and talked about divorce... or really since I broke away from the double wide clan... I dunno... It is human nature to always be searching for something. A hope, a dream, yourself... hahahhaa. I have been working on separating myself from my past, from my anxiety, and from my former habits. When I couldn't hang out with my friend tonight I out right said I would not go to a movie alone. I had made that a piece of the story of who I am. Fuck that! I don't need other people to be by my side to enjoy myself.

Half way through the movie I almost got up. The anxiety of realizing I was going to stay, how easy it was to stay, sank in. I got scared. I was going to let go of this big piece of baggage. I held my breath and grabbed my purse and prepared to stand. Then the plot turned and I got distracted. I suspended my disbelief and I allowed myself to get sucked into the adventure. The movie ended. I got up as I always do, turned back on my phone and walked to my car. When I arrived at Dark Phantoms side my heart fluttered very fast and I lost my breath for a split second. I did it. I did some random meaningless thing I set out to do, and it felt amazing.

I will go to a movie alone again. I will go to movies with friends again. I am not going to let the availability of my friends stop me from accomplishing the things I want to do. I wont stay home and throw a pity party because people couldn't come out to play. This is just another itsy bitsy piece of getting to a place where I am no longer my own worst enemy.

Thanks for going on this adventure with me!

(this story takes place 2012)

Life In the Double Wide

It was light blue. Sitting on the top of a small hill over looking the bottom portion of the trailer park, surrounded by sand burs, and reeking of pet, that silly little dwelling laughed in our faces. It was home. Not just to me. The list of inhabitants was long. My mom, her boyfriend, my cousin, her mom and brother, my brother, 2 dogs, 4 cats, fish, and who knows what else.

There was one bathroom and two bedrooms. Me and Melinda lived in one room. We had bunk beds. I got the bottom, she graced the top. My mom and whoever she was shacked up with lived in her room. Everyone else had a couch, or a floor. Getting ready in the morning was a well choreographed masterpiece. You had to be quick, efficient. No doddling was tolerated. Dinner time was the same. First come first serve. Last come... might go hungry. We all managed to function around and on top of each other. There is a crazy phenomenon where people can exist in close proximity to each other and yet not smash together.

I see this happen constantly at work. We spin and twirl and quickly self adjust to avoid contact with one another. When so many people live together for so long, it gets hard. When someones elbow is always in your face and someones pet is always in your armpit... shit is bound to hit the fan. And it did... consistently. Though we are not actually blood related my cousins and I have a strong bond. It came from those living conditions. Like refugees from a Nazi camp, we survived in concert with one another, in spite of each other, and together as individuals. 

The pressure in that house was tremendous. Thinking about it now I imagine the view from the road must have been of a tiny house with walls bowed outwards. That's not actually the case though. The thing that made it so difficult had to be the different tempers. Everyone has a breaking point, it seems that in such a situation everyone is always leaning on everyone Else's breaking point. It makes me laugh now to think about the stuff we used to fight about. One Thanksgiving I stayed up all night getting the meals set to cook. I finally passed out in the early morning. I woke up to my cousin Melinda playing matchbox 20. Howie was sent into the room to wake me up to eat with the family. Everyone else was to afraid to wake me. Howie crept in and naively stated it was time to get up to eat. The fuse was lit... tick tock... "are you coming?" BOOM! I silently got out of bed... briskly walked over tot he CD player... removed the CD from the disk changer... ninja star hurled it at Howie's head... yelled something obscene... then climbed back in bed to sleep.

Epic nonsense. I would never react that way now. But in that moment being woken up in that house was the worst damn thing that could have happened to me.

I had alot of friends who were always at my house. it got messy fast and I was never one to wait on other people, so I posted rules on our pantry door. Those rules actually said that if you stayed over night 2 days in a row you got chores. HAHA I was a genius! It cut back on the messes my friends would leave.

We threw some amazing parties in that tiny little shit hole. We would sit in the yard and talk about life, or drink on the porch, swing dance in the living room, vomit in the bathroom. Oh the good old days. If the measure of a friend is how far they would go to visit you... I must have been truly loved as that house was out of town a ways. If the measure of a families love is how long can you survive like sardines in a tin...I must have been truly loved as we were no doubt shoved in about as tight as a household could get...

My brother died in that house. My mom overdosed in that house. The good, the bad and the fantastic all occurred in that house. We slept in a pile like in the wild things. In the end we all scattered into our own destinies like dust in the wind. Hmmm so many more stories to come on this one guys. Stay tuned.

(this story takes place 1999-2001)

Vanilla What?

Yesterday I had a wonderful experience at work. I was able to correctively coach someone in a very positive way. I did this in front of my fellow managers and they were very impressed. I have always felt I had skill in crafting my words when dealing out difficult information. It felt very good to get such positive feedback. It made me think about communication in general. seems like an easy enough thing to do, yet some how so many people epic fail at it daily.

I had a spat with a good friend recently. I used to talk to this person many many times each day. Every day. Then things slowed to a crawl. I realized recently he had been avoiding me all together for some time now. How did I not see it? I had been so entwined in my own affairs that I stopped listening. I became dismissive. I pushed him harder than I needed to in order to hurt myself. These are not the traits associated with a good communicator. I had literally stopped listening to him. I dismissed his chance to talk. The worst part is that I didn't even notice. Oh, but did he notice!?!

I have no trouble listening to some people. I have alot of patience in fact. I somehow fell into a slump with this friend. When I took a look at why I realized I was frustrated. I expected him to have more power than he turned out to be presenting to me. If I had taken the time to hear what he had to say I would have known he did have the power I expected, but that he was using me as a sounding board.

I know this seems simple and logical, but I learned a bit about myself. Like so many other people in the world I have a habit of waiting for my turn to talk, half processing what others are saying. I am challenging myself to stop that behavior. I plan to take the steps to fully absorb the information the people around me are throwing out into the world. I am also going to challenge myself to better control the information I throw back out there. Is there anyone out there willing to take on the same challenge? How different would a conversation be if instead of cocking back the next thing to interject, you sat back and sponged up every morsel of knowledge being passed your way? I shall let you know soon guys!

(this story takes place 2012)

It has been awhile...

I have not taken the time to write in the last month or so. I have been busy living life. Oh what an adventure I am having. Things at work are amazing. I am showing up as a powerful leader who can affect change. I am doing it without falling into my former work-a-holic tendencies. I am managing my life with some success. It is not all easy though.

I have been asking myself a lot lately about what I want. When I think about my perfect life, where am I? What does it look like? The truth is, I have no idea! Haha. I am 29 years old and I have no expectation for the future. Isn't that fantastic? I mean really! I can do whatever I want. I will go where I am supposed to be. I know I will be hurt along the way and I will suffer, and learn, and fail from time to time. At least I am going somewhere. I am working to separate my life from Andrew's. This is no simple task. We have been woven together so deeply for so long...

I opened my own bank account recently. My direct deposit is switched over. My money is now my money. Seems like a simple logical step, but it was a really hard leap to take. I will have to give money to Andrew for him to pay our bills. He will likely not be able to afford his share. I will loyally step up and take up the slack. The magic of it all is that at the end of the month the left over money is mine.

I have set up my own savings account. I plan to use it to move apart when Andrew finishes school. You see, I don't want to leave him flat on his ass. I could... but I have no reason to. So I will stick by my friend and see it through until he is prepared to support himself. This is important because I want him to be able to help out with the kids. So he will go to school and finish this time. He will be a surgical tech and get a career started. We will separate fully, and move on from our joint life.

In the meantime I am exploring what my life can look like. I am a single 29 year old woman. I am funny, and kool in my own way! I want to have fun. I am not a party girl... even when I was partying all the time, I was never really a party girl. When I say fun I mean I want to camp. I want to hike. I want to go to the movies and museums. I want to see how the world works first hand and share that with my children.

My children. I want my kids to grow up and be strong intelligent individuals. I am striving to set the foundation for a lifetime of success. I want my girls to look back on this time and not think about Andrew and I splitting. I want them to remember how fun it was to live a life of adventure and wonder. I want them to see that THIS was the time of their lives when the traditions of tomorrow were created. I want them to see you can be happy, you deserve to be happy, and as long as you chose it, you will be happy.

That's the answer I guess. The "What I want". I work bit by bit, day by day. I am moving towards this place. I feel good about it. I am still afraid. I am afraid that I will get to this place and be alone. I know I have some very good friends. I have a couple in particular that mean the world to me. I even have some new growing friendships that I am hoping will last a lifetime. That's not what I mean though. As humans we have a deep inner need to connect to another person. To couple off. I am not just referring to sex. While sex is an important piece, it is not the whole puzzle. I am talking about finding someone I can sit silently with hand in hand, full of satisfaction and contentment. I want the security of knowing I am loved, admired, and craved. I don't know that I believe in marriage. I don't think I ever really did. It is just a sheet of paper and a set of rules. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they want me to stay.

I do not know if I will find that person. There is a guy. A guy I am very fond of. I try with everything I have got not to think about if he will stick around. In the end it doesn't matter. If things are meant to last they will. If not... well then they wont. I will be okay either way. I am really enjoying my time now though. I have a flutter of excitement when I think about the next encounter. I blush when I think about the last encounter. Some moments while we are together I lose my breath for an instant, my heart skips a beat and I feel warm all the way to my soul. Then I come back and realize we are not even in a relationship. Haha. I look in his face and I wonder if I have ever made him feel the same. I wonder if he is going to push me away. I wonder.

I don't need things to change or develop or grow right now. I just want to enjoy them for what they are. Good times with a growing friend. I am afraid to lose what I have though, and it causes me conflict. I think about ending things first. I want to have the power of knowing I was strong enough to let go. To not fall into a lopsided misguided flurry of emotion. I want to turn away and not look back. This would only be me hiding from the fear. I am happy in my time with him, why run from it? Why hide? does it matter if it grows into something more? No! Life will work out either way. So I will not run away. I will stand and bask in the warmth I am so fortunate to feel. I just hope he feels a bit of warmth too.

Tomorrow will come and life will go on. I wonder where I will end up. I wonder what I will gain from the encounters I engage in today. I look forward to seeing how this story turns out.

(This story takes place August 20120