Family: noun
1. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.
2. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins
3. a group of related things or people: the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements.
4. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.
I think it is interesting that there are more than 15 definitions for the word family. That along supports my point. In my humble opinion a family is a group of people who are bonded by a strong loyal connection. In my case our family is complicated.
I have my immediate family which is made up of my two children and my ex husband. I have my extended family which includes my mom, her husband and his 3 sons. I also have my aunt and my three cousins. Most of us are connected by marriage. The only blood ties are with my children, and my mom. That is irrelevant information though. We are a close knit fiercely loyal group that would fight for each other till the end. We have slowly assimilated other people into our mix. Some by marriage, or by dating, and some people just hang around long enough we forget there is no blood tie.
To belong to such a circle is an incredible feeling. I am never really alone. I know if a need presents itself, all will work out. I am loved and supported. I have people to fight with, people to grow with, and people to comfort. I am needed as much as I have need.
Something happened this last weekend that made me re-evaluate the value and presence of my family in my life. Someone got married... and there was drama!
My Cousin Melinda and I are very good friends, and basically sisters. We lived together during some of the more challenging teenage years. At the time it was uncomfortable... now I'm happy things happened the way they did. We are very close. Her brother Howie also lived with us. He was always much more quiet than both of us. To a large degree he faded into the back ground. Sad really. But Melinda and I love Howie! In my younger adult years I lived with Howie and his mom again and Howie and I formed a really deep bond during that time that has only grown as the years have passed. Melinda and I live in Vancouver Washington. Howie lives back home in Tricities Washington. We don't see him nearly as much as we want to.
Melinda and I go out sometimes and it is funny but one of the things we talk about when we drink is how awesome our family ties are. That once we let people in our circle we will fight to the death for them, but it takes work to get into that circle for most people. Until this last weekend I didn't realize how quick we were to discriminate against people we didn't deem worthy of our connection. We bestowed it upon people as though it were a gift. To some degree it is a gift, I mean having people there who will never turn you away has value, the self sacrifice and pure loyal devotion we share is hard to match. However, I realized that in a few cases we judged too sharply.
Howie got married this last weekend. His wedding was beautiful. This was my first time meeting his new wife. I had mixed and tainted first impressions of her based on facebook, and the anxiety the rest of my family was feeling about the union. Failed marriages run in our family. Some end well some end terribly, but so far, they have all ended. Knowing that it is hard to fully support a young couple in taking the plunge, especially when one of them is your cousin/brother whom you love dearly.
Thinking back to my own marriage, I know I made people in Andrews family anxious. They most certainly had no idea what to do with me. Those small town Walla Walla folks meeting this outspoken, brightly colored Cali girl! I was greedy with Andrews attention. I wanted him to myself, and I made it clear to those around me. I had so few real connections in my life, I didn't want him to leave me. I was afraid. I was immature. I was selfish. Andrew chose me and his family lost him for awhile, because they made him choose.
So the days leading up to the union of my cousin and his new wife had a bit of drama mixed in. I will spare you the details only because it was not my drama to share. When it was all over and people told me what happened and how it felt, all I could hear in their words was "this is what you did to Andrews family". So I have realized that Kayla, my new cousin-in-law, was not invited into the family the way some other people were. She is young, and wants Howie to herself, I don't think she has been given a chance to see the value in the family she just married into. A family that when I told them I was separated from my husband, they asked if they were still allowed to hang out with him, because he is family now.
So I cant change anyones opinion, I think time and maturity will do that on its own. But I can extend an olive branch. As far as I am concerned Kayla is family now. She is in the circle. Because Howie deems her worth it and I trust Howie. So my intention is to whole heartedly treat her the way I treat everyone else in our circle. I look forward to getting to know her better, and growing the bonds of this amazing unit of quirky, imperfect, wonderfully sarcastic, splendidly mismatched group that I call my family. I realized that I CAN choose my family.
Welcome Kayla!
I have my immediate family which is made up of my two children and my ex husband. I have my extended family which includes my mom, her husband and his 3 sons. I also have my aunt and my three cousins. Most of us are connected by marriage. The only blood ties are with my children, and my mom. That is irrelevant information though. We are a close knit fiercely loyal group that would fight for each other till the end. We have slowly assimilated other people into our mix. Some by marriage, or by dating, and some people just hang around long enough we forget there is no blood tie.
To belong to such a circle is an incredible feeling. I am never really alone. I know if a need presents itself, all will work out. I am loved and supported. I have people to fight with, people to grow with, and people to comfort. I am needed as much as I have need.
Something happened this last weekend that made me re-evaluate the value and presence of my family in my life. Someone got married... and there was drama!
My Cousin Melinda and I are very good friends, and basically sisters. We lived together during some of the more challenging teenage years. At the time it was uncomfortable... now I'm happy things happened the way they did. We are very close. Her brother Howie also lived with us. He was always much more quiet than both of us. To a large degree he faded into the back ground. Sad really. But Melinda and I love Howie! In my younger adult years I lived with Howie and his mom again and Howie and I formed a really deep bond during that time that has only grown as the years have passed. Melinda and I live in Vancouver Washington. Howie lives back home in Tricities Washington. We don't see him nearly as much as we want to.
Melinda and I go out sometimes and it is funny but one of the things we talk about when we drink is how awesome our family ties are. That once we let people in our circle we will fight to the death for them, but it takes work to get into that circle for most people. Until this last weekend I didn't realize how quick we were to discriminate against people we didn't deem worthy of our connection. We bestowed it upon people as though it were a gift. To some degree it is a gift, I mean having people there who will never turn you away has value, the self sacrifice and pure loyal devotion we share is hard to match. However, I realized that in a few cases we judged too sharply.
Howie got married this last weekend. His wedding was beautiful. This was my first time meeting his new wife. I had mixed and tainted first impressions of her based on facebook, and the anxiety the rest of my family was feeling about the union. Failed marriages run in our family. Some end well some end terribly, but so far, they have all ended. Knowing that it is hard to fully support a young couple in taking the plunge, especially when one of them is your cousin/brother whom you love dearly.
Thinking back to my own marriage, I know I made people in Andrews family anxious. They most certainly had no idea what to do with me. Those small town Walla Walla folks meeting this outspoken, brightly colored Cali girl! I was greedy with Andrews attention. I wanted him to myself, and I made it clear to those around me. I had so few real connections in my life, I didn't want him to leave me. I was afraid. I was immature. I was selfish. Andrew chose me and his family lost him for awhile, because they made him choose.
So the days leading up to the union of my cousin and his new wife had a bit of drama mixed in. I will spare you the details only because it was not my drama to share. When it was all over and people told me what happened and how it felt, all I could hear in their words was "this is what you did to Andrews family". So I have realized that Kayla, my new cousin-in-law, was not invited into the family the way some other people were. She is young, and wants Howie to herself, I don't think she has been given a chance to see the value in the family she just married into. A family that when I told them I was separated from my husband, they asked if they were still allowed to hang out with him, because he is family now.
So I cant change anyones opinion, I think time and maturity will do that on its own. But I can extend an olive branch. As far as I am concerned Kayla is family now. She is in the circle. Because Howie deems her worth it and I trust Howie. So my intention is to whole heartedly treat her the way I treat everyone else in our circle. I look forward to getting to know her better, and growing the bonds of this amazing unit of quirky, imperfect, wonderfully sarcastic, splendidly mismatched group that I call my family. I realized that I CAN choose my family.
Welcome Kayla!
(This story takes place in 2012)
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