Through Broken Glasses

I am very near sighted. I have to wear glasses. Last night I was getting a massage at a friends massage school. I had to take my glasses off. While my face was pressed into the silly face rest thingy I was looking at my arms. I noticed how big they are.

It is interesting to note that being near sighted my glasses actually make some things smaller when pulling them into focus. I was a little suprised at how large my arms seemed. As I relaxed and looked at my arms my mind wandered. I started to think about those people who are obsessed with thier weight or appearance. I am not one of those people. I am very over weight. I do need to lose alot of weight. Over a year ago I had lost 62 pounds. I felt great. I did it without even dieting. I was very proud.

But shortly after the weight loss life at my last job got very stressful. My boss changed and I left my emotions take over my life. I became so weak. I ate all of my feelings... in triplicate. I have not weighted myself  since my decent into the dark side began, but I know I have gained back a fair amount of what I had lost.

So there I was, fat arms, thinking about  myself. I am not happy that I am so fat. No one (no matter what they say) wants to be on the outside looking in. That being said I do not hate myself. I do not pity myself. I am not ashamed of being fat. I own that shit! Why wouldnt I? I made the choices that lead me here.

I have already made alot of the hard decisions that would be necessary to lose weight. I am happier. I was working a job that was brutal. Long hours, no days off all for no extra pay and no apreciation. I changed jobs to a company that really cares about its employees well being. I have built a network of friends that I care about. I have earned respect from my co-workers. I like where I live. I read, play and color. I do the things I am passioate about. I have a good support network in place. So...

I decided that I am going to start to make healthier choices again. I am going to try to lose some weight. Not because I have fat arms, but because I love my kids and want to have the energy to keep up with them. I want to be cute and be able to find love. I want, I want , I want... wow I am greedy haha.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to stop drinking soda. I will drink alot of water. I will look for chances to exercise and play with my kids. I will take half the portion I feel I need, and go back for seconds if I need them. I will eat slow and enjoy my food. I will still enjoy desert, but I will onyl have a few bites instead of a few plates. I will do these things because I want to, not because society says I should. I will have smaller arms, because I will have earned them. I WILL.

(This story took place in 2012)