Cupcakes and Courage

I just turned 30. Whew. I am glad I got that off my chest. Honestly, holy crap...

For weeks I have been spinning in circles. I couldn't grasp what was happening. I felt angsty, angry, and all together just didn't care. At some point recently I realized I have a hole. No not that one... nope not that one either... a proverbial hole. Somewhere in the pit of my stomach I have a piece of my spirit that is not being utilized.

I love my job. I do not love being greasy and sticky, but my job is so much more than that. I do feel fulfilled most of the time. But every once in awhile that silly hole rears its ugly face. In those moments I stop caring about responsibility. I get anxious, hostile, and I seem to manifest some low level self destruction. Not my proudest moments for sure. Last time it happened I got back into school. The sudden full on engagement made me forget. In the past I have taken on new challenges, earned promotions, enrolled in school, dropped out of school, and moved for no other reason.

I am getting too old to just allow this irresponsibility to take over. This time around I grabbed it by the horns. Its a foxy sort of demon beast. Very alluring indeed. I used honesty to explain what was happening for me. This helped those who rely on me to understand what was occurring. This allowed me to have the space to think about things a bit. I have come to the conclusion that the hole I have been avoiding is relation to my passion for storytelling. I want to write. Badly.

Andrew told me I should get a job writing for a local paper or something. That's a problem. Its not that I need to be writing in general. It is that I have things to share. I am driven to share them. I can not choose the stories. They choose me.

For the first time in a long time I had a birthday gathering. I was very excited. I decided to write a story for each of the people who said they were going to attend my party. I have been wanting to write for awhile now and I got these images in my head about each of these folks. these stories needed to be written.

So I started to write them. One by one they appeared on screen. It was so awesome because as I began each story I had no idea where they were going to go. They just came to life. They were a big hit as party favors too haha. The thing about those stories, the real raw truth about it, is that writing them was a better release than sex. Seriously. Maybe I don't have a choice. Maybe I am supposed to be writing. When I was young, people laughed in my face when I told them that's what I was going to do with my life. I guess I took it as fact. I have spent my lifetime convincing myself NOT to write. I have systematically destroyed nearly everything I have created.

I am going to stop... the destruction that is. I am not currently in school so I have some free time. I am going to start developing those stories I have accumulated in my mind. I am going to start to let them out. 

Well here is to a new decade. Perhaps it will be full of epic adventures... real and imagined.