I just turned 30. Whew. I am glad I got that off my chest. Honestly, holy crap...
For weeks I have been spinning in circles. I couldn't grasp what was happening. I felt angsty, angry, and all together just didn't care. At some point recently I realized I have a hole. No not that one... nope not that one either... a proverbial hole. Somewhere in the pit of my stomach I have a piece of my spirit that is not being utilized.
I love my job. I do not love being greasy and sticky, but my job is so much more than that. I do feel fulfilled most of the time. But every once in awhile that silly hole rears its ugly face. In those moments I stop caring about responsibility. I get anxious, hostile, and I seem to manifest some low level self destruction. Not my proudest moments for sure. Last time it happened I got back into school. The sudden full on engagement made me forget. In the past I have taken on new challenges, earned promotions, enrolled in school, dropped out of school, and moved for no other reason.
I am getting too old to just allow this irresponsibility to take over. This time around I grabbed it by the horns. Its a foxy sort of demon beast. Very alluring indeed. I used honesty to explain what was happening for me. This helped those who rely on me to understand what was occurring. This allowed me to have the space to think about things a bit. I have come to the conclusion that the hole I have been avoiding is relation to my passion for storytelling. I want to write. Badly.
Andrew told me I should get a job writing for a local paper or something. That's a problem. Its not that I need to be writing in general. It is that I have things to share. I am driven to share them. I can not choose the stories. They choose me.
For the first time in a long time I had a birthday gathering. I was very excited. I decided to write a story for each of the people who said they were going to attend my party. I have been wanting to write for awhile now and I got these images in my head about each of these folks. these stories needed to be written.
So I started to write them. One by one they appeared on screen. It was so awesome because as I began each story I had no idea where they were going to go. They just came to life. They were a big hit as party favors too haha. The thing about those stories, the real raw truth about it, is that writing them was a better release than sex. Seriously. Maybe I don't have a choice. Maybe I am supposed to be writing. When I was young, people laughed in my face when I told them that's what I was going to do with my life. I guess I took it as fact. I have spent my lifetime convincing myself NOT to write. I have systematically destroyed nearly everything I have created.
I am going to stop... the destruction that is. I am not currently in school so I have some free time. I am going to start developing those stories I have accumulated in my mind. I am going to start to let them out.
Well here is to a new decade. Perhaps it will be full of epic adventures... real and imagined.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
What Happened Next
The last year flew by. I have not blogged in such a long time. I must say that after I posted my last entry I signed up for school. I ended up going full time for an entire school year. Today I received my AA degree in the mail. I graduated with HONORS! Heck yeah!
Skylie and Pepper took dance classes for awhile, but it became too much to work out with day care issues. Andrew and I continued to grow as individuals until we could no longer fit under the same roof. In January we moved apart. All that is left is for me to read and sign the divorce papers. in all honesty the only thing holding me back is the reading part. Now that I am not in school full time I want to read for pleasure... not divorce. I will set time aside soon and the final ties that legally bind us will be severed. Well except for those kids.
Some interesting things have happened since Andrew and I moved apart. The strangest is really how quickly we drifted apart. This is only strange because things do not actually feel any different, it is just strange to not have him around all the time. I took for granted having someone to talk to after a horrible nightmare, or having someone to vent to after a terrible day at work. Now I have to rely on friends.
Friends. Hmmm. That's something else that has changed. Once I moved I settled into myself. My life morphed so that my children were the center of my world, not work or relationship. Sharing my kids with Andrew 50/50 meant that when they weren't here, I was ALONE. It was hard at first. The silence is deafening. I would literally pace. I would call my friends and beg for hangout time, but due to work and school, I had no time to hangout. I was stuck alone. This allowed me to think. I stopped reaching out to all of my friends in the manic way I used to. One day I popped my head up from homework and realized I had not spoken to anyone outside of work and school in weeks. Had I lost my friends?
Well yes and no actually. Turns out I was a bit of a go-getter. I went out and took time with my friends. I was the giving tree. I gave and gave until there was nothing left to give. When I stopped giving my friends stopped taking, but did not start giving. I had selected friends that needed someone like me in order to engage the friendships they had. I had created this masterful pit of a social life. I quickly unmade it and found nothing left.
I actually felt better not giving all of myself away to others. I even got a bit selfish with those in my life I knew were flaky or unlikely to return my kindness. I had become more independent and liked it. The day this independence sank in was the day I saw The Dark Knight Rises in theaters. I had made plans with the flakes. they all fell through. Normally I would have rented a flick and stayed home by myself. But not on this day. I blogged about the experience previously so I wont re-hash all of the details, but the feeling of walking out of that movie alone gave me hope. my interdependence on others was fading.
From that day I have tried not to tie my happiness to the string of another persons whim. This is no easy task. As humans we all seek out approval and connection. I want that too, but I want it to be from an internal place, not just because I did something for someone else. As this year crept by I have grown closer to that place.
So that year marched on. Skylie completed first grade. She did well. Pepper turned 4. We live in a lovely apartment with my willow kitty, and a new addition Sage. He is still a kitten and is obnoxious enough I am sure he will earn his own post soon. I have completed the first half of my educational journey. It was extremely difficult to attend school full time while working 5 hours a week. I also have been swinging back and forth on what I want to do with my degree, and which degree to get. I decided to take time off in the fall. I will however go back to school in the near future.
So inside the last year I have continued the emotional journey I began several years back. I am learning how to stay in transition. I am willing to be a little uncomfortable in order to see what possibilities lay ahead for me. I am still here, and I am still pretty damn happy.
Skylie and Pepper took dance classes for awhile, but it became too much to work out with day care issues. Andrew and I continued to grow as individuals until we could no longer fit under the same roof. In January we moved apart. All that is left is for me to read and sign the divorce papers. in all honesty the only thing holding me back is the reading part. Now that I am not in school full time I want to read for pleasure... not divorce. I will set time aside soon and the final ties that legally bind us will be severed. Well except for those kids.
Some interesting things have happened since Andrew and I moved apart. The strangest is really how quickly we drifted apart. This is only strange because things do not actually feel any different, it is just strange to not have him around all the time. I took for granted having someone to talk to after a horrible nightmare, or having someone to vent to after a terrible day at work. Now I have to rely on friends.
Friends. Hmmm. That's something else that has changed. Once I moved I settled into myself. My life morphed so that my children were the center of my world, not work or relationship. Sharing my kids with Andrew 50/50 meant that when they weren't here, I was ALONE. It was hard at first. The silence is deafening. I would literally pace. I would call my friends and beg for hangout time, but due to work and school, I had no time to hangout. I was stuck alone. This allowed me to think. I stopped reaching out to all of my friends in the manic way I used to. One day I popped my head up from homework and realized I had not spoken to anyone outside of work and school in weeks. Had I lost my friends?
Well yes and no actually. Turns out I was a bit of a go-getter. I went out and took time with my friends. I was the giving tree. I gave and gave until there was nothing left to give. When I stopped giving my friends stopped taking, but did not start giving. I had selected friends that needed someone like me in order to engage the friendships they had. I had created this masterful pit of a social life. I quickly unmade it and found nothing left.
I actually felt better not giving all of myself away to others. I even got a bit selfish with those in my life I knew were flaky or unlikely to return my kindness. I had become more independent and liked it. The day this independence sank in was the day I saw The Dark Knight Rises in theaters. I had made plans with the flakes. they all fell through. Normally I would have rented a flick and stayed home by myself. But not on this day. I blogged about the experience previously so I wont re-hash all of the details, but the feeling of walking out of that movie alone gave me hope. my interdependence on others was fading.
From that day I have tried not to tie my happiness to the string of another persons whim. This is no easy task. As humans we all seek out approval and connection. I want that too, but I want it to be from an internal place, not just because I did something for someone else. As this year crept by I have grown closer to that place.
So that year marched on. Skylie completed first grade. She did well. Pepper turned 4. We live in a lovely apartment with my willow kitty, and a new addition Sage. He is still a kitten and is obnoxious enough I am sure he will earn his own post soon. I have completed the first half of my educational journey. It was extremely difficult to attend school full time while working 5 hours a week. I also have been swinging back and forth on what I want to do with my degree, and which degree to get. I decided to take time off in the fall. I will however go back to school in the near future.
So inside the last year I have continued the emotional journey I began several years back. I am learning how to stay in transition. I am willing to be a little uncomfortable in order to see what possibilities lay ahead for me. I am still here, and I am still pretty damn happy.
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