I have a friend who is going through a rough journey. Our paths are not actually very different, but I am further along than he is. Listening to him as he grows, and travels along, has given me some powerful perspective.
I have come to realize that the recent events in my life have set me up to let go of so much of my baggage. Why was I able to let go? That is the important question here. My friend can not seem to let go yet. Why? He wants to heal. What is standing in the way? Or really, what happened to me that set me up to be ready?
Friends.
I finally took the time to talk. I had always had a dark box in the pit of my belly. That is where I hid all my emotions. I allowed that box to open. I painfully went through the emotions I was hiding from. Everyone says theropy helps. I never put much stock into the whole theropy thing, but it turns out there is value to expressing and working through your feelings. I did not go to theropy, but I found people I could trust who really heard what I was saying. Their feedback helped me understand myself.
The mirror that my friends held up to my face helped me see that some of the baggage I was holding so tightly to was useless. Some of the baggage has merit, but does not define me as a person. Some of the baggage is still too big for me to work through. I am on my way, not done haha.
I am posting this because I find value in pointing out the irony here... pushing away your feelings does not make them go away. There is an invisible elastic band that binds us to our past. The only way to make it go away is to chose to let go.
The only way to let go is to face the pain. No drugs, no alcohol, no shame, no fear. Every wound needs air to heal.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sunshine and Daffodils
I just completed a very painful journey. I went to my oldest friends wedding. haha no it was not the wedding that was difficult. In fact the wedding itself was beautiful, and tears aside, very fun.
The problem came from the wedding having taken place in southern California. In order to go, I had to take a trip into my past. I have been working on gaining power over anxiety issues that have plagued my life since I was very young. By working on it, I mean I have struggled painfully and medication free for many years to not stumble down the slippery slope of anxious paranoia and depression. I have taken difficult steps to improve my internal quality of life. I changed where I live. I changed jobs. I worked hard to develop friendships outside of my family. I have managed to build some semblance of a life. I love my job and my friends. I appreciate the family I have. I found some stability.
This stability has allowed me the tools necessary to go on this journey. I want to share some of this journey with you. My need to share comes from two places. 1. This is still relatively fresh and I am trying to heal. 2. If I can inspire anyone else to take the painfully precarious steps towards change and happiness... I would feel like life had come full circle.
So here it goes...
First here is a bit of history to set the scene.
I grew up in Tujunga California. It is a small part of the greater Los Angeles area. My family was broken. When I was 7 my mom moved out. I lived with my dad and brother. My dad was troubled. He drank a lot and did drugs. He came and went in and out of our lives. Sometimes he would disappear for days, weeks, and even months. My grandma helped keep us fed. When we were really young. For a while I lived in Burbank. My dad managed an apartment complex. We moved back to Tujunga when I was 10. Middle school. I was able to pick up most of my friendships where I left off. We lived in a house that was creepy. It was set way off of the street. Trees literally grew right through the roof. My dad being into drugs and such had trouble paying the bills. Our electricity would go out a lot. Food and water sometimes was scarce as well. Shady characters would come and go at all hours of the day and night… so one night when I was 12 I walked to my grandmas house (which was literally right up the street) and asked to spend the night. I never went back home. After two years she realized I was not going to be leaving. She gave me a key to the house. I lived with her until the summer I moved to Washington. I was 16 when I moved away.
I am a perfect example of how it takes a village to raise a child. My family being broken, lost, and scattered to the wind meant I had to lean on other people for love and support. Those people were my friends and their families. One family in particular as it relates to this journey. I had my friend April. I used to spend the night at her house all the time. For years we were inseparable. (As a side note I want to give credit to my friend Roxanne as well, her family also helped and supported me in many ways.) April’s family definitely went above and beyond. Her mom used to pick my brother and I up and take us to school every day. April went to a different school than us. The family vacations I went on as a kid were her family’s vacations. I hold these memories very dear to my heart.
So back to this journey. I left California years ago. Since I left in the back of my heart I always wanted to go back. I have on a few occasions raised the possibility in a real way. But life took me in another direction. I fell in love with Portland, and I now live in nearby Vancouver. I actually work in Portland, in a job that I love very very much. Over the years the majority of my family from Tujunga has died (under some not too pleasant circumstances). Their deaths kept me away. I had no reason to go back. This also meant I had no way to mourn. Instead I had nightmares. Terribly vivid, haunting, dark nightmares. Honestly they kept me away even more than the deaths did.
But then I got a call from my friend inviting me to go to Cali for her wedding. I said I would go. She made it clear that if I committed to going she was going to hold me to it. I knew for months and months that I was going to be going to Cali. When I got the invite, I shoved it away with my bills. I didn’t RSVP because it meant I had to go. She called to follow up… I again agreed to go. But now I started to spin. This anxiety disorder I have always struggled with went wild. The pit of my stomach got very heavy and pulled my lungs and heart into the floor. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat. I got absent-minded and even clumsier than I had been. My nightmares started to leak into my wakeful life. I was afraid.
At that time I didn’t know why I was afraid. I knew the only way to work out what I was feeling was to go. I also knew I couldn’t go alone. So I brought the person who in my current life has become my best friend (aside from Melinda). So here I was with all the tools I was going to need, and plenty of emotional baggage!
My trip was Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Thursday night I spent the night at my friend’s house. This made it easier to go to the airport super early (neither one of us are morning people). I couldn’t sleep that night. I was spinning out of control and I had frustrated myself into a migraine. Finally at like 3 I passed out on the couch. I was up at 4:45 to get ready to go to the airport. Off we went. I chugged some caffeine, got on the plane, and listened to music while trying to choke back tears. I am not big on crying, but when I do cry I try not to do it in front of other people. So we get to California. We get off the plane and walk into the sunshine. The first things I noticed were the mountains. The hills and mountains in Washington and Oregon look different. Different colors and textures. Something about these mountains, their dark green and rich brown highly textured sharp edges, told me I was home. I was back. That familiar feeling made me very uncomfortable.
We got our rental car and set out for movie world. It is a movie memorabilia store that I used to go to when I was a kid. I loved collecting their still shots from movies. It was the center of their business at one point. When we went into the store the pictures were not front and center like they used to be. Instead I found them shoved haphazardly into boxes in the back of the store. Out of the way and forgotten. As it would turn out this would be the perfect analogy for my whole trip, but we will get to that soon.
We left movie world after awhile because the owner was talking to himself under his breath and we got a little nervous for our safety. Hunger had set in so we went to Inn-in-out! Oh the taste of my youth! There is little in this world as satisfying as converting someone into loving your favorite burger joint! After enjoying our food we set out for the next part of our journey. I took us to Descanso Gardens. It was my favorite place to go when I was little. My grandma used to take me there. I used to take all my friends there. It is such a beautiful place hidden in the concrete jungle of LA.
We went there and met Michelle. She was my dads, on and off, girlfriend’s daughter. (Side note: when my brother died I felt very alone, because no one would know what my life was like. I recently realized there was someone else… that was Michelle). My friend was taking a nap as we waited for Michelle to get there. I was so nervous. I was scared I wouldn’t recognize her. I was scared she wouldn’t remember what I remember. I was also a bit scared that all those nightmares I had been having would turn out to be true. Then she pulled up. I knew it was her. When she got out of her car I could see in her face it was Michelle. That made me feel better. We hugged and talked as my friend woke up. We then went into the gardens. We walked around and talked. Throwing out memories and tearing off scabs. I felt so much better knowing I was not crazy. I fought back tears when I saw places I had sat with my brother, my grandma and a dozen friends over the years. I grew friendships in that garden. And I spent my last day in California there before I moved away.
On this day I felt its power and was calmed by it. I was not spinning when we walked around the garden. I was happy. I had fun. I left a lot of baggage behind. Then the idea of driving past my grandma’s house came up. (My crazy aunt now owns it and I had not told her I was coming down) After a lot of thought I decided to go to Tujunga. I drove past my grandma’s house. Michelle followed in her own car. Then we drove down the road to my dad’s old house. I parked there. We got out and I saw this giant gate my Aunt had put up didn’t go all the way down the side of the property. Michelle and I went around the fence to take a closer look. My friend stayed in the car so as to not get arrested for trespassing haha.
As Michelle and I climbed the stairs I got a creepy familiar feeling. But I realized that those nightmares (literally all of my nightmares take place at that house) were not real. I also got to work out to some degree that some real life trauma had happened there, but those times were over. And that was okay. After our tour Michelle and I stood out by our cars and talked for a long time about this and that. She remembered so many of the same things as I did. It was amazing. It was comfort, security. I had a problem for years with this feeling of having lost the first 16 years of my life. I started to lose that feeling. We decided to go sit and eat somewhere. We went to Troy’s. It is a small fast food place up the street from my grandma’s house. She ate there everyday. I used to go there with my friend Roxanne and eat chili fries and talk. Good times.
As I sat there with someone from my new life and someone from my old life, I stared at the booth my grandma would have eaten in. I wondered in the back of my mind if anyone had noticed when she stopped coming in. After a long very warm conversation we got up and parted ways. I feel better knowing I have a friend out there that understands me in a different way. I feel better knowing I have a sister out there and she had been one of us. Me and Nick and Michelle against the world… How could I have forgotten? When I drove away from Troy’s I left a little big of my baggage behind.
I took the chance to drive around with my friend and see what Tujunga looks like now. I drove past old haunts, schools, hangouts, and friend’s houses. I was surprised to find my dreams had mangled some of the reality of the town. I was comforted to find that it was just another place I had lived. It was not a demon; it was not some fantastical world. Just a place. As we pulled onto the freeway to go check into our hotel I watched Tujunga and Sunland fade away in the rear view mirror, and I left a little piece of my baggage behind.
We checked in and sat down. My friend took the chance to read. I laid down and listened to my ipod while texting a couple people I had wanted to see. I passed out. I was tired and confused and overwhelmed. I was also feeling sick. I am sure I did it to myself. I am equally sure I deserved it. April was down stairs hanging out with friends, preparing for her big day. We were invited to hang out but I realized I couldn’t. I needed to breathe. So we went to Universal city walk. It was another one of my favorite places to go. We walked up and down the strip. We ate some good food and had a couple drinks. I had so much fun looking through the shops. I may not have been outwardly my bright usual self, but on the inside I was feeling more peaceful than I had felt in weeks.
We returned to the hotel and I got more texts from April. I realized I was afraid to see her. I had body image issues, and I was worried she would not like who I had become. I was just afraid. I had not even seen a picture of her in years. So I let her know I wanted to see her but wouldn’t be up to hanging out. I blamed it on having started my day so early. She came and knocked on my hotel door. When I opened that door it was her. She looked different, but her voice and mannerisms were so familiar, I was at ease instantly. She was followed in by her fiancé. I had never met him, but could tell right away who he was. Then came in April’s sister Loren. The last time I had seen her puberty had yet to start haha. It was weird now she is a mommy! Trippy would be a great word to capture that moment. We all hugged and then they left to go party. I stayed behind to have a few drinks with my friend and sleep. When the door closed behind April I let her take with her a little piece of my baggage.
Sleep was extremely elusive that night. We talked all night about this and that. I cried a bit but for the most part stayed strong. We finally fell asleep and woke up later than I meant to. We went to eat (which turned into a bit of a traumatic experience when my friend choked on breakfast) then we went back to the hotel. I took a shower to prepare for the wedding. I had 3 hours before I had to go, but I wanted to make sure my hair dried and stuff. My friend read hunger games while I sat on the bed and stewed about my feelings. I was not afraid anymore, but I was vulnerable. I cried hard core. I tried to keep it all inside. I felt very alone (not anything against my friend, but I was working through serious issues) Then it was time to get dressed and go. I managed to be almost late to Aprils wedding (surprise!) we showed up and it was at this beautiful ranch. My hands and knees were shaking as I waited in line to sign the guest book.
We sat at the very back corner of the seats. It turned out to be the perfect spot. When the wedding party came in the walked right by where I was and I got to look April in the face as her dad lead her down the isle. She looked so beautiful! The ceremony was short and sweet. Perfect! Haha. Then we headed over for drinks and food. I stood back and realized the only people I knew were April, Loren, her mom and dad and one of their aunts. It was strange. I had been such an important person in her life, but I was the only person there from THAT part of her life.
We made our way to the table. April put us at the family table so I would know the people I was sitting with. Her dad came over and introduced me to people as Aprils oldest friend. It was so nice and comforting. I was a symbol. I was something to her. I was important.
I hatched a plan with some of the people at the table to make eyes at April when she finally came out. I was going to make funny faces and I enlisted the help of others as well. Once April was out and sitting at her special table… I caught her making eyes at me… OMG THAT was the moment I lost it on the inside. I felt a connection to her in that moment that is hard to express in words. Through space and time and distance, we had grown to be very different people. We had gone years off and on without talking, but there we were on the same wavelength. Like no time had passed. She was not making faces at her maid of honor, or her bride’s maids… she was looking at me, playfully connecting the dots as to why I had to come back.
The night wore on. I got up at one point and decided to tell April’s mom how much she meant to me. She helped raise me. She brought me to school, she took me for my first tampons when I got my first period, she helped me with school projects… she helped me become the person I am today. When I walked up to her she put her arm around me and I looked her in the face and I said thank you. She said “for what?” I couldn’t answer. I have never been choked up before, but there it was. A lump in my throat, eyes full of tears, no voice… I couldn’t tell her what I needed to say. (I’m crying now too) she saw. She knew. She wrapped her arms around me and said she loved me too. She said some other wonderful things and let me off the hook. As I regained control of my ability to speak, we looked up and April was table touching just down the aisle. I managed to say how beautiful April was. We talked about things for a few minutes and I broke away.
I sat back down and time for the cake cutting came. The cake was inside this little house. I stayed outside with many guests. The cake was in a bay window so there was a clear view. It was like watching a silent movie. I could see her smiling and laughing and experiencing life in the perfect way. I silently watched and admired how wonderful it was to see her happy.
I sat back with my friend and talked about how great weddings were. I was overwhelmed with a feeling in my chest that I knew instantly was going to turn into a panic attack. I got up and left the table and as calmly as I could walk to a private place to get over it. I didn’t want to bring any drama to Aprils wedding. I cried very hard and sat down for a couple minutes. I was able to regain control and went back to the table. April had come looking for me. She told my friend to make sure I understood how important it was to her I had come. That felt very good.
I sat back for a while watching April party with her friends. I watched them drink, dance, and celebrate. This was very familiar to me, as I had spent many many nights in my youth watching her party as I sat by sober observing everyone else. I got a strange sense of irony from it and decided it was time to go. I went to say good-bye. I knew I would not see her for a long time. She indicated how surprised she was I made it as long as I did. We hugged. And I left. When I left Aprils wedding I left A LOT of baggage behind.
Back at the hotel I drank myself into a hole and cried the majority of the night away. My friend did a great job of keeping me focused and forcing perspective on me. After about an hour or so of “sleep” we got up and went to the airport. I watched from the window of the plane as those mountains I so keenly craved to see faded away into the landscape. As I left California I got this strange feeling of conflict in the pit of my stomach. I asked my friend if I was leaving home or going home. I already knew the answer. I was going home.
When we landed back in Portland, I was so upset from the flight, the trip, the pieces that made up my like… and the missing baggage I couldn’t walk. My legs were so shaky I had to stand against a wall for a minute. We got picked up and once I got into my car to drive myself home the fear started to drift away. I was beyond exhausted. I was feeling sick. I hadn’t eaten in a day. I was on empty.
I drove home and my kids got home shortly after. My cousin and her family came over and we celebrated Easter together. We had great food. We talked and laughed. We laughed for hours. It was wonderful. Melinda even brought me flowers. Bright yellow daffodils. The sun was shinning bright. It was perfect. I left Cali and walked back into the part of my life that had given me the stability and strength to go into my past. I let go of a lot of the issues I was having. The rest of them, I am aware of and can at least go to work on them.
Back to the boxes of pictures from movie world… Those parts of my past that I left in Cali when I was 16 don’t hold power over me any more. They only ever held as much power as my mind let them have. I realized on my trip that those painful, and fun, and exciting, and so on memories I had from my time in California were neatly packed into boxes, stored on a shelf in the back of my memories. They were now obsolete in the life I lead. They got me to where I am, but they no longer define who I am, just how I got here. I will continue to have anxiety issues. I will continue to mourn and miss my brother, my dad, and my grandma. But I am not afraid of that part of my life anymore. I belong here and I am happy here.
The problem came from the wedding having taken place in southern California. In order to go, I had to take a trip into my past. I have been working on gaining power over anxiety issues that have plagued my life since I was very young. By working on it, I mean I have struggled painfully and medication free for many years to not stumble down the slippery slope of anxious paranoia and depression. I have taken difficult steps to improve my internal quality of life. I changed where I live. I changed jobs. I worked hard to develop friendships outside of my family. I have managed to build some semblance of a life. I love my job and my friends. I appreciate the family I have. I found some stability.
This stability has allowed me the tools necessary to go on this journey. I want to share some of this journey with you. My need to share comes from two places. 1. This is still relatively fresh and I am trying to heal. 2. If I can inspire anyone else to take the painfully precarious steps towards change and happiness... I would feel like life had come full circle.
So here it goes...
First here is a bit of history to set the scene.
I grew up in Tujunga California. It is a small part of the greater Los Angeles area. My family was broken. When I was 7 my mom moved out. I lived with my dad and brother. My dad was troubled. He drank a lot and did drugs. He came and went in and out of our lives. Sometimes he would disappear for days, weeks, and even months. My grandma helped keep us fed. When we were really young. For a while I lived in Burbank. My dad managed an apartment complex. We moved back to Tujunga when I was 10. Middle school. I was able to pick up most of my friendships where I left off. We lived in a house that was creepy. It was set way off of the street. Trees literally grew right through the roof. My dad being into drugs and such had trouble paying the bills. Our electricity would go out a lot. Food and water sometimes was scarce as well. Shady characters would come and go at all hours of the day and night… so one night when I was 12 I walked to my grandmas house (which was literally right up the street) and asked to spend the night. I never went back home. After two years she realized I was not going to be leaving. She gave me a key to the house. I lived with her until the summer I moved to Washington. I was 16 when I moved away.
I am a perfect example of how it takes a village to raise a child. My family being broken, lost, and scattered to the wind meant I had to lean on other people for love and support. Those people were my friends and their families. One family in particular as it relates to this journey. I had my friend April. I used to spend the night at her house all the time. For years we were inseparable. (As a side note I want to give credit to my friend Roxanne as well, her family also helped and supported me in many ways.) April’s family definitely went above and beyond. Her mom used to pick my brother and I up and take us to school every day. April went to a different school than us. The family vacations I went on as a kid were her family’s vacations. I hold these memories very dear to my heart.
So back to this journey. I left California years ago. Since I left in the back of my heart I always wanted to go back. I have on a few occasions raised the possibility in a real way. But life took me in another direction. I fell in love with Portland, and I now live in nearby Vancouver. I actually work in Portland, in a job that I love very very much. Over the years the majority of my family from Tujunga has died (under some not too pleasant circumstances). Their deaths kept me away. I had no reason to go back. This also meant I had no way to mourn. Instead I had nightmares. Terribly vivid, haunting, dark nightmares. Honestly they kept me away even more than the deaths did.
But then I got a call from my friend inviting me to go to Cali for her wedding. I said I would go. She made it clear that if I committed to going she was going to hold me to it. I knew for months and months that I was going to be going to Cali. When I got the invite, I shoved it away with my bills. I didn’t RSVP because it meant I had to go. She called to follow up… I again agreed to go. But now I started to spin. This anxiety disorder I have always struggled with went wild. The pit of my stomach got very heavy and pulled my lungs and heart into the floor. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat. I got absent-minded and even clumsier than I had been. My nightmares started to leak into my wakeful life. I was afraid.
At that time I didn’t know why I was afraid. I knew the only way to work out what I was feeling was to go. I also knew I couldn’t go alone. So I brought the person who in my current life has become my best friend (aside from Melinda). So here I was with all the tools I was going to need, and plenty of emotional baggage!
My trip was Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Thursday night I spent the night at my friend’s house. This made it easier to go to the airport super early (neither one of us are morning people). I couldn’t sleep that night. I was spinning out of control and I had frustrated myself into a migraine. Finally at like 3 I passed out on the couch. I was up at 4:45 to get ready to go to the airport. Off we went. I chugged some caffeine, got on the plane, and listened to music while trying to choke back tears. I am not big on crying, but when I do cry I try not to do it in front of other people. So we get to California. We get off the plane and walk into the sunshine. The first things I noticed were the mountains. The hills and mountains in Washington and Oregon look different. Different colors and textures. Something about these mountains, their dark green and rich brown highly textured sharp edges, told me I was home. I was back. That familiar feeling made me very uncomfortable.
We got our rental car and set out for movie world. It is a movie memorabilia store that I used to go to when I was a kid. I loved collecting their still shots from movies. It was the center of their business at one point. When we went into the store the pictures were not front and center like they used to be. Instead I found them shoved haphazardly into boxes in the back of the store. Out of the way and forgotten. As it would turn out this would be the perfect analogy for my whole trip, but we will get to that soon.
We left movie world after awhile because the owner was talking to himself under his breath and we got a little nervous for our safety. Hunger had set in so we went to Inn-in-out! Oh the taste of my youth! There is little in this world as satisfying as converting someone into loving your favorite burger joint! After enjoying our food we set out for the next part of our journey. I took us to Descanso Gardens. It was my favorite place to go when I was little. My grandma used to take me there. I used to take all my friends there. It is such a beautiful place hidden in the concrete jungle of LA.
We went there and met Michelle. She was my dads, on and off, girlfriend’s daughter. (Side note: when my brother died I felt very alone, because no one would know what my life was like. I recently realized there was someone else… that was Michelle). My friend was taking a nap as we waited for Michelle to get there. I was so nervous. I was scared I wouldn’t recognize her. I was scared she wouldn’t remember what I remember. I was also a bit scared that all those nightmares I had been having would turn out to be true. Then she pulled up. I knew it was her. When she got out of her car I could see in her face it was Michelle. That made me feel better. We hugged and talked as my friend woke up. We then went into the gardens. We walked around and talked. Throwing out memories and tearing off scabs. I felt so much better knowing I was not crazy. I fought back tears when I saw places I had sat with my brother, my grandma and a dozen friends over the years. I grew friendships in that garden. And I spent my last day in California there before I moved away.
On this day I felt its power and was calmed by it. I was not spinning when we walked around the garden. I was happy. I had fun. I left a lot of baggage behind. Then the idea of driving past my grandma’s house came up. (My crazy aunt now owns it and I had not told her I was coming down) After a lot of thought I decided to go to Tujunga. I drove past my grandma’s house. Michelle followed in her own car. Then we drove down the road to my dad’s old house. I parked there. We got out and I saw this giant gate my Aunt had put up didn’t go all the way down the side of the property. Michelle and I went around the fence to take a closer look. My friend stayed in the car so as to not get arrested for trespassing haha.
As Michelle and I climbed the stairs I got a creepy familiar feeling. But I realized that those nightmares (literally all of my nightmares take place at that house) were not real. I also got to work out to some degree that some real life trauma had happened there, but those times were over. And that was okay. After our tour Michelle and I stood out by our cars and talked for a long time about this and that. She remembered so many of the same things as I did. It was amazing. It was comfort, security. I had a problem for years with this feeling of having lost the first 16 years of my life. I started to lose that feeling. We decided to go sit and eat somewhere. We went to Troy’s. It is a small fast food place up the street from my grandma’s house. She ate there everyday. I used to go there with my friend Roxanne and eat chili fries and talk. Good times.
As I sat there with someone from my new life and someone from my old life, I stared at the booth my grandma would have eaten in. I wondered in the back of my mind if anyone had noticed when she stopped coming in. After a long very warm conversation we got up and parted ways. I feel better knowing I have a friend out there that understands me in a different way. I feel better knowing I have a sister out there and she had been one of us. Me and Nick and Michelle against the world… How could I have forgotten? When I drove away from Troy’s I left a little big of my baggage behind.
I took the chance to drive around with my friend and see what Tujunga looks like now. I drove past old haunts, schools, hangouts, and friend’s houses. I was surprised to find my dreams had mangled some of the reality of the town. I was comforted to find that it was just another place I had lived. It was not a demon; it was not some fantastical world. Just a place. As we pulled onto the freeway to go check into our hotel I watched Tujunga and Sunland fade away in the rear view mirror, and I left a little piece of my baggage behind.
We checked in and sat down. My friend took the chance to read. I laid down and listened to my ipod while texting a couple people I had wanted to see. I passed out. I was tired and confused and overwhelmed. I was also feeling sick. I am sure I did it to myself. I am equally sure I deserved it. April was down stairs hanging out with friends, preparing for her big day. We were invited to hang out but I realized I couldn’t. I needed to breathe. So we went to Universal city walk. It was another one of my favorite places to go. We walked up and down the strip. We ate some good food and had a couple drinks. I had so much fun looking through the shops. I may not have been outwardly my bright usual self, but on the inside I was feeling more peaceful than I had felt in weeks.
We returned to the hotel and I got more texts from April. I realized I was afraid to see her. I had body image issues, and I was worried she would not like who I had become. I was just afraid. I had not even seen a picture of her in years. So I let her know I wanted to see her but wouldn’t be up to hanging out. I blamed it on having started my day so early. She came and knocked on my hotel door. When I opened that door it was her. She looked different, but her voice and mannerisms were so familiar, I was at ease instantly. She was followed in by her fiancé. I had never met him, but could tell right away who he was. Then came in April’s sister Loren. The last time I had seen her puberty had yet to start haha. It was weird now she is a mommy! Trippy would be a great word to capture that moment. We all hugged and then they left to go party. I stayed behind to have a few drinks with my friend and sleep. When the door closed behind April I let her take with her a little piece of my baggage.
Sleep was extremely elusive that night. We talked all night about this and that. I cried a bit but for the most part stayed strong. We finally fell asleep and woke up later than I meant to. We went to eat (which turned into a bit of a traumatic experience when my friend choked on breakfast) then we went back to the hotel. I took a shower to prepare for the wedding. I had 3 hours before I had to go, but I wanted to make sure my hair dried and stuff. My friend read hunger games while I sat on the bed and stewed about my feelings. I was not afraid anymore, but I was vulnerable. I cried hard core. I tried to keep it all inside. I felt very alone (not anything against my friend, but I was working through serious issues) Then it was time to get dressed and go. I managed to be almost late to Aprils wedding (surprise!) we showed up and it was at this beautiful ranch. My hands and knees were shaking as I waited in line to sign the guest book.
We sat at the very back corner of the seats. It turned out to be the perfect spot. When the wedding party came in the walked right by where I was and I got to look April in the face as her dad lead her down the isle. She looked so beautiful! The ceremony was short and sweet. Perfect! Haha. Then we headed over for drinks and food. I stood back and realized the only people I knew were April, Loren, her mom and dad and one of their aunts. It was strange. I had been such an important person in her life, but I was the only person there from THAT part of her life.
We made our way to the table. April put us at the family table so I would know the people I was sitting with. Her dad came over and introduced me to people as Aprils oldest friend. It was so nice and comforting. I was a symbol. I was something to her. I was important.
I hatched a plan with some of the people at the table to make eyes at April when she finally came out. I was going to make funny faces and I enlisted the help of others as well. Once April was out and sitting at her special table… I caught her making eyes at me… OMG THAT was the moment I lost it on the inside. I felt a connection to her in that moment that is hard to express in words. Through space and time and distance, we had grown to be very different people. We had gone years off and on without talking, but there we were on the same wavelength. Like no time had passed. She was not making faces at her maid of honor, or her bride’s maids… she was looking at me, playfully connecting the dots as to why I had to come back.
The night wore on. I got up at one point and decided to tell April’s mom how much she meant to me. She helped raise me. She brought me to school, she took me for my first tampons when I got my first period, she helped me with school projects… she helped me become the person I am today. When I walked up to her she put her arm around me and I looked her in the face and I said thank you. She said “for what?” I couldn’t answer. I have never been choked up before, but there it was. A lump in my throat, eyes full of tears, no voice… I couldn’t tell her what I needed to say. (I’m crying now too) she saw. She knew. She wrapped her arms around me and said she loved me too. She said some other wonderful things and let me off the hook. As I regained control of my ability to speak, we looked up and April was table touching just down the aisle. I managed to say how beautiful April was. We talked about things for a few minutes and I broke away.
I sat back down and time for the cake cutting came. The cake was inside this little house. I stayed outside with many guests. The cake was in a bay window so there was a clear view. It was like watching a silent movie. I could see her smiling and laughing and experiencing life in the perfect way. I silently watched and admired how wonderful it was to see her happy.
I sat back with my friend and talked about how great weddings were. I was overwhelmed with a feeling in my chest that I knew instantly was going to turn into a panic attack. I got up and left the table and as calmly as I could walk to a private place to get over it. I didn’t want to bring any drama to Aprils wedding. I cried very hard and sat down for a couple minutes. I was able to regain control and went back to the table. April had come looking for me. She told my friend to make sure I understood how important it was to her I had come. That felt very good.
I sat back for a while watching April party with her friends. I watched them drink, dance, and celebrate. This was very familiar to me, as I had spent many many nights in my youth watching her party as I sat by sober observing everyone else. I got a strange sense of irony from it and decided it was time to go. I went to say good-bye. I knew I would not see her for a long time. She indicated how surprised she was I made it as long as I did. We hugged. And I left. When I left Aprils wedding I left A LOT of baggage behind.
Back at the hotel I drank myself into a hole and cried the majority of the night away. My friend did a great job of keeping me focused and forcing perspective on me. After about an hour or so of “sleep” we got up and went to the airport. I watched from the window of the plane as those mountains I so keenly craved to see faded away into the landscape. As I left California I got this strange feeling of conflict in the pit of my stomach. I asked my friend if I was leaving home or going home. I already knew the answer. I was going home.
When we landed back in Portland, I was so upset from the flight, the trip, the pieces that made up my like… and the missing baggage I couldn’t walk. My legs were so shaky I had to stand against a wall for a minute. We got picked up and once I got into my car to drive myself home the fear started to drift away. I was beyond exhausted. I was feeling sick. I hadn’t eaten in a day. I was on empty.
I drove home and my kids got home shortly after. My cousin and her family came over and we celebrated Easter together. We had great food. We talked and laughed. We laughed for hours. It was wonderful. Melinda even brought me flowers. Bright yellow daffodils. The sun was shinning bright. It was perfect. I left Cali and walked back into the part of my life that had given me the stability and strength to go into my past. I let go of a lot of the issues I was having. The rest of them, I am aware of and can at least go to work on them.
Back to the boxes of pictures from movie world… Those parts of my past that I left in Cali when I was 16 don’t hold power over me any more. They only ever held as much power as my mind let them have. I realized on my trip that those painful, and fun, and exciting, and so on memories I had from my time in California were neatly packed into boxes, stored on a shelf in the back of my memories. They were now obsolete in the life I lead. They got me to where I am, but they no longer define who I am, just how I got here. I will continue to have anxiety issues. I will continue to mourn and miss my brother, my dad, and my grandma. But I am not afraid of that part of my life anymore. I belong here and I am happy here.
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